Childlike Wisdom: Rethinking Fear Based Judgement.

Today I had the pleasure of helping my friend, Ashleigh, with a blog article that she has been working on. She pretty much had all the thoughts and ideas there, but was just struggling with getting the wording and structure right. I love working with the English language and making pieces of writing look and sound beautiful. So, when she asked for my help, I jumped at the chance! Working on this article reminded of all those times, in my 'past life' when I would write sermons; something I haven't thought about for a while!

Below is a copy of the article, itself. This version is slightly different to the one that she posted on her blogsite. It is the version that I came back to her with after I had played with the original draft.

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A very wise person once said something along the lines of
 “Unless you have a change of heart and become like a little child, you will not experience heaven”

It seems that in these wise words is an important message. Children have a great deal of wisdom to offer, if we are willing to listen. How are we preventing ourselves from experiencing life to the fullest, ‘heaven on earth’, because we have not had a change of heart, and become more like a child?

Have you ever seen a toddler refuse to play with another child, because they are a different race, are a bit ‘chubby’, or because their parents are tattooed? We are not brought into this world with a genetic component that compels us to judge, segregate or see others as ‘different’. And yet, if any of us, as adults, were to say that we never place judgement on others, in response to superficial characteristics, we would be lying. As adults, we do tend to judge. As we grow up, programming and conditioning from society and those close to us teach us to be wary of people who are different to us. It is quite ironic that, in a world where conformity is diminishing and individuality is becoming the trend, as a society it seems that we are becoming more and more judgmental and superficial. Evolution also plays a part. We are observant creatures, and have learnt to pass judgement in order to stay alive. But there comes a point where it is detrimental, both to individuals and society. What impact will our judgmental view of others have on our humanity?

When we cast judgement on others, the ramifications are deeper than we may realise. Related to our tendency to judge is the penchant of western society to require that there be an explanation, a ‘meaning’, or something to blame, for every situation. If this cannot be done, a sense of tension, anxiety and dis-ease is created. In order to placate this, we pass judgement on others. We project our own feelings and ideologies onto someone else’s experience or reality, assuming an ability to accurately judge the character and/or intentions of another, in order to calm our own tensions. Having done so, there is an initial sense of relief to have ‘figured out’ that which we were questioning.

Have you ever been accused of being something that you’re not? Been judged inaccurately? Perhaps we’re not always as clever as we think. We don’t like being judged, and yet, we continue to do it to others, often without question. It’s a vicious cycle. What if we chose to change? What if we decided that it’s OK to live in the grey, to not have everything figured out? In choosing to let go of the need to feel in control of everything in our world, we open ourselves up to an experience of life that is much more peaceful.

We have all grown up with different morals, values, goals and aspirations. Therefore, it’s easy to look at someone else’s life choices and criticize them because they’re not what we would choose for ourselves. Although it can be a simple ‘knee-jerk’ reaction to pass judgement, it’s very helpful to realise that thoughts are only words; words that can be either helpful or unhelpful. We do not need to believe or act on every thought and opinion that comes into our head.

Due to our increasingly superficial society, passing judgement on the way people look can be almost second nature. Before even speaking to someone, just on their looks alone, we can have their lifestyle, socio-economic status and personality traits mapped out. Not all judgements we pass are negative, as the stereotype goes- people with glasses are deemed more ‘intelligent’ by society. But when it comes to someone for example, who is obese, covered in tattoos and piercings or wears very revealing clothing, what judgements do we pass on them? A toddler does not discriminate when it comes to the clothing or appearance of their playmates; we’re not born with these stereotypes imprinted in our brains, we have learnt them. It is easy to stereotype and pigeonhole people based on what you see on the surface. Again we need to look at the bigger picture. If we’re all judging each other based on what we see on the surface, how does that help us co-exist together and function as a healthy, happy society? Living in a world where we are all judged so harshly, so quickly, makes for society that is rigid, inflexible and full of individuals with low self-worth. 

Then there’s the judgement we place on others of a different race, religion, gender, age or sexuality. Every person is first and foremost a human being. This doesn’t change just because we may feel uncomfortable with someone who is in some way, shape or form ‘different’ to us. We all deserve to be treated as equals.

“I think this is the first time I am meeting most of you. But to me, whether it is an old friend or new friend, there’s not much difference anyway, because I always believe we are the same, we are all human beings. Of course, there may be differences in cultural background, way of life, faith, or the colour of our skin, but we are human beings, consisting of the human body and the human mind. Wherever I meet people, I always have the feeling that I am encountering another human being, just like myself. I find it is much easier to communicate with others on that level. Our differences are only secondary. If we can leave the differences aside, I think we can easily communicate, exchange ideas, and share experiences”- The Dalai Lama.

It is true to say that we all make mistakes, and some people make choices that are grossly inappropriate, self destructive or harmful to others. But it is wise for us to pick our battles wisely if we choose to disagree with someone. Remember, the behaviour itself is merely the tip of the iceberg compared to the motive behind it. It is worth reconsidering any judgement made about something that you haven’t experienced yourself. Truth is, we’re all fighting something, our demons are just different. When it comes to playing detective and deciphering why someone does what they do, or are the way they are, sometimes it’s perfectly OK to just let it be, no questions asked.  When we try to work everything out, and find the ‘answers’ just to settle that dis-ease and tension, there’s a good chance that we’re actually completely wrong. What’s more, we may well find that, rather than resolving our anxiety, searching for an explanation may in fact amplify it, as ‘answers’ are not always easily found.

Being more open-minded, compassionate and caring doesn’t mean you should compromise your morals and integrity for others. A certain amount of ‘judgement’ is necessary in life. It is appropriate to make the judgement that placing your hand on a hot stovetop is not a good idea! The difference comes in the motivation for our judgments. Are we judging out of love, or out of fear?

“There are only two feelings, Love and fear:

There are only two languages, Love and fear:

There are only two activities, Love and fear:

There are only two motives, two procedures,

two frameworks, two results, Love and fear,

Love and fear.”   – Michael Leunig

Out of love for oneself, it is important to know when maintaining a relationship, and keeping someone in our life, is harmful. Likewise, it is a good thing to speak up when someone voices the intention to act in a way that will cause either themselves, or others, harm. But judging those who are different to us because we fear that which we do not understand, we fear discomfort or the possibility of rejection, only leads to a more fractured & hurting community.

Perhaps it is time that we all have a go at embracing our inner child, and letting go of superficial fear based judgement.

“Treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of reward. Your life will never be the same again.” –Og Mandino

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Namaste