Getting To Know Your Shame Gremlins

On Friday night, while having a conversation with a friend, anxiety unexpectedly came up and gave me a powerful shove. It left me feeling a bit shaken and asking "where the heck did that come from?" As I sat with my anxiety, the answer to my question became clear. Shame. Mr Anxiety was coached and encouraged by the shame gremlins that live deep inside of me. Over the past couple of days, I have spent some time journalling and attempting to get to know these gremlins better.

This morning, I picked up a book that I am in the process of reading: 'Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead' by Brene Brown, and found that the very next part of the book deals with shame. One part in particular resonated perfectly with how I have been feeling, and the shame gremlins that I have been trying to get to know (in order to vanquish!) So, I thought that I would share it with you all, so that you too might benefit.

Shame resilience, as Brene Brown says, is also "key to embracing our vulnerability. We can't let ourselves be seen if we're terrified of what people might think. Often 'not being good at vulnerability' means that we're damn good at shame." (p61)

(Note: If you do find this helpful or eye opening, I highly recommend buying the book)


"What is shame and why is it so hard to talk about?...
1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here's your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath.
Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.
2. We're all afraid to talk about shame.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

There are a couple of very helpful ways to think about shame. First, shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hard wired for connection, love and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of connection), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection - it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I'm not worthy or good enough for love, belonging or connection. I'm unloveable. I don't belong. Here's the definition of shame that emerged from my research:
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." (p68-69)

The good news is
"Shame derives it's power from being unspeakable... if we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we've basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it." (p58)


What are your shame gremlins telling you?
And how has that been stopping you from living your life to the fullest, a life of daring greatly?