Deciphering the Language of My Life; Discovering Vocation.

"Ruth", I said, "people keep telling me that 'way will open'. Well, I sit in silence, I pray, I listen for my calling, but way is not opening. I've been trying to find my vocation for a long time, and I still don't have  the foggiest idea of what I'm meant to do. Way may open for other people, but it's sure not opening for me."

Ruth's reply was a model for Quaker plain-speaking. "I'm a birthright Friend," she said somberly, "and in sixty-plus years of living, way has never opened in front of me." She paused, and I started sinking into despair. Was this wise woman telling me that the Quaker concept of God's guidance was a hoax?

Then she spoke again, this time with a grin. "But a lot of way has closed behind me, and that's had the same guiding effect."

- Parker J. Palmer, 'Let Your Life Speak' p38

.  .  .  .  .

A few weeks ago I decided to bite the bullet and enrol to finish my Bachelor of Theology in 2011. Having suffered from severe fatigue throughout 2010, it has not been possible for me to complete the 3 final subjects over the past year.  My health has not improved, but now I have a greater understanding of my limits. As a result, I feel I am in a better place to push myself through those last few units, over the course of a year. Besides, having come so close I just really want to graduate! (and hey, just as long as I can do enough to pass - 'P's get degrees!)

Having made that decision, and inspired by a friend with Chronic Fatigue who has decided to return to work part time, I was led to consider what I might choose to do following my graduation. I also like to plan for what I would/will do should my health improve, as I believe it one day will. My first thought was to maybe look into chaplaincy part time. I figured, I have a certificate in youth work and experience working with/for young people and my greatest area of strength/passion within Christian Ministry seemed to be in the area of individual pastoral care and counselling. As a chaplain, much of my time would be spent listening to and speaking with individual students. But then, I don't really like the idea of other areas of the job; having to plan programs and such. I like to be involved in a team of people when it comes to the preparation and facilitation of programs (and have some ability in this area), but have never enjoyed or done as well being the person in charge who has to get things started and make the key decisions. So, then, having been encouraged by several people as to my counselling skills, I looked into the possibility of doing a Graduate Diploma in Counselling. But even then, how do I know that this would be a fitting vocation for me?

The advice found in Parker Palmer's book, 'Let Your Life Speak' seems to make sense. Much can be learned from the doors that have been closed in the past. My problem is, how do I decipher the message that life is trying to give to me? How do I know the difference between that which caused the door to be closed, and therefore should be avoided, and that part of me that opened the door in the first place - and might serve as a guide to the vocation that best suits me?

Many doors have closed behind me...
Professional dancer? Closed.
Youth Worker? Closed.
Minister? Closed.
Administration Officer? Closed.


What are the qualities, abilities, passions, difficulties, that have remained throughout these many doors closing?

Well, I've always had an affinity with reading and writing. My mum says that even as a small child I was entranced by the written word. I was always ahead of my class when it came to reading. In addition, I wrote a lot of poetry from about 12 - 22 years of age, have written many journals and enjoy helping others to edit and polish assignments, letters etc. Taking a hint from this, and at a friend's suggestion, I began this blog and am VERY slowly writiing an autobiography. Turns out, sifting through years of memories and trying to come up with something someone might actually want to read is hard work! (if only I had someone who could help me with it! Anyone reading this who may know a writer who could help me, please feel free to let me know...)

I've also enjoyed public speaking in some form or another since I was about 12 or 13 years old. I'm not doing any of this at the moment but feel that maybe if I was to find a vocation that sat well with who I am, some sort of public speaking would be included. Maybe if I get my book finished one day, I could use my public speaking skills in publicising it? :).

I also know that whether or not I am involved in ministry or counselling in a formal capacity, people who are going through hard times will find me, and I will listen to them and help to guide them towards freedom from whatever is holding them captive. I enjoy this and have been told by several people that I have a gift in this area.

I also have a passion for the perfoming arts, dancing, singing, acting. I trained as a dancer to Tertiary level and may have gone on to have a career in this field if I had not chosen to explore ministry and youth work. I feel that something is missing in my life without this type of creative expression. Although it is different in many ways, public speaking does also tie in with this love of performance.

So, where does all this leave me? To be honest, somewhat exhausted! There are so many options, how am I to choose??

Maybe I don't need to.

Perhaps doing so is actually counter-active. 

Perhaps, living in the present, being mindful and aware of myself, is the best thing I can do. Because, in looking to choose a vocation or career, I am looking to something outside of myself and can be easily distractied and tempted by things out of line with who I am. But if I focus on where and who I am in the now (with an awareness of the signposts throughout my past) I will be better placed to receive and accept my vocation when it shows itself.

Besides, who knows what might happen in the next year!!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope that 2011 holds much joy and revelation for you :)